Safe as Houses against those Zombies

By now I really hope that I don’t need to tell you about my weird love of the un-dead. You know like vampires, zombies, revenants, ghouls, the usual sort of stuff for a girlie to be fascinated with.


It isn’t a secret that when the big ‘awakening’ happens I’m going to re-train for a career in necromancy. Realistically, the hours and pay will be better and I wouldn’t have to get up so early in the morning, thus reducing childcare costs. Bonus!

When I heard of the competition run by http://zombiesafehouse.wordpress.com/ I knew that I had to find out more. Amazingly I found out about it via ‘The Economist’ (who says I read trashy stuff eh?) Anyway, Zombie Safe House hosts a competition to design, well, a zombie proof house.

Cool!

I won’t lie to you, it is something that has crossed my mind, you know, survival and that, learning how to make arrows to shoot your undead friends and family, whether or not a zombie virus would affect your pets or could I train my dog to ward off attacks? (Mira Grant's Feed or Max Brooks' World War Z) Things like, how long would it be until electricity ran out & I couldn’t charge my phone…… No idea who I'd call anyway.

I was going to say that the likelihood of a zombie apocalypse is virtually non-existent, but is it really so hard to believe that something, somewhere could threaten the global population?

Lets face it many people completely pooed their pants (as my son would say) over Swine Flu and Avian Flu. However I’m meaning things like global warming, an asteroid hitting the planet, or the possibility of the infamous La Palma Tsunami, you know the sort of thing. Whether that involves Gwyneth Paltrow sneezing or Simon Pegg getting rid of his record collection, who can tell?

Major events that would wipe out a huge chunk of the worlds population that we secretly wouldn’t mind cause it would save us all going into work on Monday and bring about a new, more exciting lifestyle. (If your name is Chuck Norris)

I realise that architects could probably utilise their time a bit better than designing homes for a zombie apocalypse competition but lets be honest, surely architects cant be as dull as accountants? Luckily, there are a few mildly dysfunctional people out there who are looking out for us and designing houses and homes so that when the proverbial hits the fan, we can all be smiley happy people.

But please, can someone make sure that I lift my inhaler so that I can run away from the hoards quicker?

Ta.

HALLOWEEN: WHAT CAR TO PERFECTLY ACCESSORIZE YOUR COSTUME

31^st of October, Halloween, Samhain, All Hallows Even, or Festival of the Dead, call it what you will but it is more or less it’s all the same thing. The lead up to Halloween is now filled with people, kids and pets getting dressed up as witches, zombies, vampires, werewolves. Some even use their imagination and end up dressed up as something more original.

That made me wonder, what sort of car you would drive if you were a creature of the night….

After some thought I reckoned that Werewolves would probably require the use of a 4wd so you could go off to run as a wolf somewhere where you weren’t likely to be seen. If it had a decent load space you could stash a change of clothes there and whatever animal you had caught too.

Then I remembered how much dogs like to stick their head out the window with their tongue hanging out, getting doggie slavers down the ‘C’ pillar of the car and letting your ears blow in the wind. Dogs also like to run in packs, track and hunt. So, a combination of 4wd drive and convertible would be ideal. That leaves the limited edition Rav 4 convertible from 1999 a JEEP Wrangler or Freelander Convertible. Depending on who the Werewolf is, they might even really appreciate the idea of having an Audi Quattro Cabriolet….

So, imagine for one moment you are a Zombie for example, the choice of car isn’t going to be an issue; you are most probably not being able to do anything apart from move towards food.

Giving the odd moan you would just follow the rest of the zombie hoard on your way. Not using your brain and following the crowd could possibly mean that Zombies would drive BMW Minis.

So what would the trendy cool Vampire about town drive? I suppose it would depend on what Vampire Lore we are following. Assuming the Bram Stoker version then Vampires don’t melt in daylight, do need blood and do really need a place for a coffin.

That would mean something along the lines of a pick-up truck. Though if the Vampire in question had been around for a while they would probably have built up some cash and to be able to attract victims into your ‘ride’ may be an advantage. So I reckon an imported Ford F1 pickup or an HSV Maloo.

As for the Witch, what do you think she would drive? I drive an old scirocco; it’s held together by magic and looks a bit like a broom.

Article by: Lynn Tulloch